Home

Just about 1 month now since we (Maddie & me, that is) "relocated" to Georgia ... funny, it doesn't feel like a relocation, it just feels like we came home to where we belong. Nothing is uncomfortable, nothing feels strange, it's as if we have been here for a very long time. Madison seems completely at home, to the point where she is now being her usual demanding pain-in-the-ass self. At first, Sheila was buying into Maddie's sympathy ploy but she quickly caught on to the sneaky wiles of a little dog and Madison is no longer able to blow a smoke screen at Sheila. Nice try, midget dog, but the jig is up ....

I have a really nice area for my music stuff. The pic above is my new work space, with plenty of room for expansion as things get started. My first official Georgia music thing takes place tomorrow with a new piano player and drummer and I'm hopeful that it will be the start of some good playing. I'm planning on trying to record the session and if all goes well maybe I'll get some stuff up online.

Sheila is a HUGE supporter of my music ... she actively encourages my somewhat bad habit of "bass acquisition" and we now have a new addition to the bass collection, a formerly owned bass that has returned to the flock:  FBB #043, a fretted 5 string lacewood/curly wave maple over butternut with active electronics. It's a really good bass that I never should have let go in the first place. Not too sure where I'll use it, but it sure is pretty!

I've been working part time for AWT, my employer for the past 19+ years, doing stuff remotely from another "new-to-me" office here in Georgia. This work space is very comfortable and well segregated from the rest of the house, plenty of space and quiet for a lot of the writing I do for AWT. It's been working out well and I'd guess we'll have some sort of arrangement with AWT over the next year or so. Here's my "new" office area, it's actually quite bright and open although it doesn't look that way in the pic.

Sheila and I went to Jersey this past weekend for my niece Katie's post-wedding party (Katie & Mike were married in Aruba in October ... Sheila really wanted to go to Aruba but we had some family issues to attend to and couldn't make it) in Berkeley Heights at a cool place called Maskers Barn. Sheila met a pretty good chunk of the Goode clan in one shot and did really well in remembering most everyone! Plus, she didn't ask me to pack my bags and get the hell out of Georgia, so I guess my sibs didn't scare her too much. Here's the requisite "group" photo (Sheila is in the back next to me, she's the one with the shell-shocked look in her eyes) (the general "zombie-esque" look is related to the camera quality) (this isn't even close to the full contingent of Goode's, maybe only 1/3rd)

Sheila also met some of my very close musician friends (Vinnie/Marilyn, Bill/Julie & Joe/Angelica) at a nice "getting to know you" party that Vinnie & Marilyn set up for Sheila. That was a really nice time, the food was great and it was a clear reminder to me that one of the very few things I'll miss about Jersey is the opportunity to be able to play with these great musicians ... they have been good friends as well and their welcome to Sheila is really appreciated! Great love and thanks to both Vinnie & Marilyn for their on-going friendship ...

I'm saving some of the chuckles regarding the installation of a dog door and other "home remodeling" for the next blog post ... for those that know me, suffice it to say that when I hacked open a hole in the side of Sheila's house to install a dog door (because, you know, why put the dog door in a door when you can completely destroy the side of a house?*!#*%!?) it didn't go too well ...and other clear demonstrations of my obvious lack of handy skills. Stay tuned ...

But the super cool thing is that I'm now "home" in every sense of the word. Being down in Georgia, being with Sheila in this beautiful house, getting to know new people, making new contacts, starting a new life, realizing that all of this isn't some dream that will come to a crashing awakening ... I have been very lucky, indeed, and I'm forever grateful for all of the cosmic forces that lined up to make this all possible!

Travel Memories & Settling In

Now safely ensconced in our new-to-us Georgia home, Maddie & me are starting to really get settled in. Truth be told, it wasn't much of an adjustment since Sheila is amazingly welcoming and makes things so easy for us. And Bella may be the most polite big dog I've ever met (and Madison is taking full advantage of Bella's good nature).

We haven't really talked about our trip at all ... It was two trips from Jersey to Georgia in the Durango, a 12-13 hour drive each way. On trip #1 southbound, I was accompanied by Madison ... if you can call sleeping for 11 of the 13 hours "company". I had a long talk with her about holding up her end of the deal, asking her to keep me company for the ride and not do her usual combination of snore/fart while we're in confined spaces, but she just ignored me. Sheila has decided that Madison is "a little lost" most times, a polite Southern way to say that the dog is a bit stupid. Sheila is very polite, unlike my snore-farting dog.

Madison - still a Jersey dog

In both trips I traveled mostly at night . It's so much easier to drive when the roads are less crowded and you're not fighting rush hour traffic in either Jersey, Baltimore or Atlanta.  My EZ-Pass account took a huge beating, but fortunately Georgia doesn't really have "required" toll roads (they have some optional express lanes that they'll charge you a premium to drive) (I didn't really see too many people taking the "toll" lanes so I guess they just prefer to be stuck in maddening traffic down here in Georgia) so that toll-paying abuse will come to a quick close. Equally fortunate, there is no toll to be paid as I walk from the kitchen to my office or music area, so my daily commute to work is painless.  Unless Sheila puts up a toll gate at the doors to my areas, my days of paying to get to work are pretty much over.

Traveling at night has its challenges, particularly staying awake. I've found that putting in a solid 6 hours before stopping really helps to cut down on fatigue for me. I can do the first 6 hours easy enough and at that point I need to put gas into the car, so stopping for fuel, coffee, maybe a bite to eat (although food choices are horrible at 3am in North Carolina) and depending on how I feel, perhaps a quick nap or meditation (I practice TM, been doing so for 25+ years ... y'all should try it) (see how I've adapted to my new Southern-ness, y'all??) (Don't expect a lot more Southern charm just yet, though).

If I had given even a moments thought to my upcoming drive while jamming basses into the car, I would have realized that I needed to recline the seat a bit if I intended to nap. But I didn't give ANY thought to what I was doing and ended up with a bass speaker cabinet shoved against the back of the drivers seat. So, when I tried to mediate or take a quick snooze, I remained in the exact same position I was in while driving ... except for the arrival of a midget dog on my lap, making an already uncomfortable position even worse. And Maddie "harrumphed" at me every time I tried to shift my position; God forbid I tried to be just a little bit comfortable.

All-in-all, the trips were successful and both the occupants and the cargo arrived safely, as mentioned in my prior postings. Sheila has given me full access to her beautiful home and I have two very nice spaces for my AWT-south office and my music area. I have my shakey-head guy that Jennifer from AWT gave me a long time ago, she made sure I took shakey-head with me when I packed up my stuff for the south-bound trip. Shakey-head has been with me for a long time and he reminds me that, although I'm now in Georgia, some parts of New Jersey will never leave me.

 Thanks, Jen!

Georgia

We drove south, Maddie & me, headed for our new home in the tall pines of Georgia. Car full of basses, clothes, dog beds (oh, yeah, beds ... Madison doesn't like to walk too far without having the option of taking a nap), a few kitchen appliances that I'm using as a cheapo-dowry of sorts (of course I love you! Here, have a mixer ...) and that's about it. There will be one more move of things I need to have with me in Georgia, including some more basses (duh) and another dog bed or two (again ... duh), but basically the majority of my worldly possessions that I care about, except for my daughter (no, not a possession in the literal sense, but you know what I mean), are in Georgia.

Now, this doesn't mean that the Jersey within me has disappeared, not by a long shot. A few things that reflect my inherent Jersey-ness:

• "You don't need to use your hands so much when you're talking", this from Sheila's dad

• I have to stop being so self-deprecating ... that grows old down here, fast

• When someone says,"We'll, isn't that just so sweet", they rarely mean it

• Double negatives "Now, you just don't know no better" sound illiterate with a Jersey accent ... Best to leave that to the Southerners

• You do pump your own gas here, and no amount of time spent sitting your car waiting for someone else to do it is going to change that

• Being impatient at food stores is frowned upon

So, Maddie & I moved our stuff into the house, creating immediate chaos. Bella, the resident dog-in-charge, was quite gracious and settled in pretty quickly with Madison being there. Bella would have preferred to play more, but Madison has her own little Jersey attitude that she needs to lose and wasn't immediately receptive to playing with a dog 20 times her size. I talked to Maddie about her being less "Jersey" but I don't think she was listening.

Bella

It's also a lot, ummm, slower down here. I took Sheila's car for an oil change and wash this morning. All I could think was, if this was Jersey all of these people would be fired for being too thorough. In Jersey that car wash would have been sold as "full car detailing".

Luckily for me, Sheila has the patience of a saint and put up with the disruptions and mess. We've settled into a pretty comfortable routine after a surprisingly short period of time, just additional evidence that somehow, in the middle of all of our collective craziness over the past year, our being together is working out really well.

I will continue working remotely for AWT Environmental, my employer for the past nearly 20 years. As of right now, it will be a lighter part-time schedule for the near future. In a way, while I like the idea of being retired, I also like the idea of keeping up with the company ... they're more of a family than a job.

All in all, things are going better than expected, and our expectations were pretty high to begin with. Our next venture will be a trip back to Jersey in November for my niece Katie's wedding. Sheila will get the entire Goode family onslaught in one shot ... pray for her ...

Sheila & Me

Moving My Junk

We’ve (my girlfriend and me, for those who haven’t been paying rapt attention) decided that we have played house long enough and it’s time to actually live together. We kept trying to be sensible adults and take things s-l-o-w, letting the world know that, yeah, for sure, we’re being really careful and working out all of the details and, … and, … and the hell with all of that. Seriously, it’s not like we’re young kids anymore, prone to mistakes created by exuberant youth and boundless enthusiasm. Nope, we’re (very) mature adults and while still exuberant, it’s definitely at a lesser level than it was when we were in our 20’s. And our enthusiasm is still boundless … it just takes a little longer to wander towards the outer edges of common sense.

But, we did do the “adult” thing and worked out some details about who is paying for what and who is doing this and who won’t be doing that, then promptly decided that neither one of us really gives a darn about any of it one way or the other. Nonetheless, we DID have the discussion and worked out the details … not our fault if we don’t pay any attention to it, right? And all along we did everything the right way … We phone dated for almost 2 months before we even met face-to-face, we completely behaved ourselves the first two dates (sorry kids, is that TMI??), we carefully introduced the presence of each other to friends and family … I mean, come on!  We HAVE been mature grown-ups through it all. If we mess up now, we figured we’ll let the kids yell at us if we’re doing something wrong, it’s their turn to have stress, right?

So now I have to move my junk. Honestly, we don’t need very much of it and even more honestly, I don’t care about too much of it. My list of stuff to move isn’t too impressive so far:

- Metal rack wheels with brakes (to put on a new rack I’m going to build)

- A USB to VGA cable to replace my broken one (my monitor isn't working very well) (I use two monitors, pretty sharp for an old guy, huh?) (I'll probably bring the broken cable, too, 'cause I do things like that a lot)

- Mixer (not a crummy one, either, a KitchenAid with some attachments … I think there are attachments, but now I’m not sure)

- 4 pictures, including one of Richard Nixon

- Piece of paper with the date of Madison's rabies shot

- An iron (it's a fancy one, lays flat and rises on its own when not touched) (seriously)

- A bell chime that belonged to Steve

- Piece of paper with the dimensions of an opening in a cabinet for a new microwave (her microwave crapped out and there is just an old small one in the open space) (I'm going to find a new one) (big spender, she gives me a house - I give her a microwave)

- Socks and three handkerchiefs

- ?

Not much of a start, is it? I don’t think I need to contact Mayflower Moving just yet. Of course, I need to move my basses, but there is no need to list them down on a piece of paper. Now, this list will change and grow a bit in a few weeks. My girlfriend is coming north to NJ with me in early November to attend Katie’s wedding (my niece) and once she gets a chance to really see everything I own, and after she stops convulsing with laughter, I’m pretty sure she’ll be adding stuff onto the list … I have a pretty good supply of Bounty paper towels and some extra Finish dish washer tablets that I know she is going to zero in on real quick …

In preparation for the big move, I installed a security camera “system” that I can watch with my cell phone.  It’s pretty sweet, Laura helped me install it (a.k.a. plugged it in) and we had a chuckle or two looking at it last night. It also has a speaker so if a crook is trying to steal anything, I can shout encouragement from the deep pines of Georgia and make sure they take it all so I can collect on the insurance.

High Security

I’m all set to move, though. Pretty soon it’ll be me and Maddie driving south, loaded up with basses, rack wheels, a fancy iron and Bounty towels, ready to start a new life in Georgia in a beautiful new home with a beautiful new life partner. We can’t wait!!

Moving In Together

My girlfriend & I are moving in together. Well, more accurately, I’m moving in with her. Once we made the decision to live together there really wasn’t much of a choice about how we’d get that accomplished; she has a beautiful large home in a secluded area in the Georgia pines, and I live in a nice, but crowded, area of New Jersey. I could fit my whole house into hers … twice … and still have room.

 

         Jersey Porch

Georgia Porch

Of course, there were many more factors other than the house to consider:

• I’m retiring, and she’s not quite there yet
• She has grandchildren (and a daughter/SIL) living across the street. I have no grandkids
• Her whole family (another married son, sisters, parents, more grandkids) lives in very close proximity (by GA standards). My family is pretty scattered and scattering even further as I type this
• She loves her, well, everything, in Georgia. The house, the area, her life there, while I am fairly blasé about NJ. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been a Jersey guy for a long time, but this state has its share of issues and I’m not sorry to be leaving. I will miss my daughter, but she can come visit as often as she’d like … I’m publicly offering to pay for her flights, so there will be no excuses
• It’s drastically cheaper to live in Georgia
• My “real” job has always been as a musician. The jazz music scene here in NJ area is quite poor, but the Atlanta area is actually quite active. That gives me room to go back to what I love to do; teach, write, arrange and do some recording. Those possibilities exist down south, but not here

After those points were considered (for about 13 seconds), the idea of Jersey life together was pretty much squashed. That was fine with me, I’m ready for a complete change after the past several years. I’ve grown more disillusioned with everything that has been happening in my life and, in truth, the only thing that kept me here this long was Bunny’s business, which obviously came to an end when she died.

During our recent “living together test run trial #1”, we selected some space in the home for me to put all of my junk. And I’m really not bringing much stuff down, just my basses (yeah, there are a lot and they do take up space) and music studio equipment, a few computers that I’ll be using for my “I’m Going To Write A Book Someday” work and for some part-time consulting I’ll be doing for my didn’t-I-just-retire job. We went through the house and selected some spots where I can be out of her way while she works (she works remotely, either from home or occasional travel), as well as keeping my Jersey junk out of the way of family and company.

My furniture and other worldly possessions will remain in the Jersey house for the time being until we figure out what to do with all of it. Really, I’m not very tied to any of it, no emotional bonds or anything like that, so as far as I’m concerned it can all be sold, donated, tossed, stolen, whatever.  I’ll have my basses, my clothes, my computers and my dog … I’ll be moving in with a beautiful soul who is opening up her life to me to share with her … I’ll be leaving behind some dark and unpleasant memories of the past several years … Not really difficult choices to make, huh?

While it’s a done deal, we’re still proceeding ahead with “living together test run trial #2” to take place at the end of the month. And then a longer, final “living together test run trial #3” a week later, which is most likely a “lockup the jewelry, the Jersey guy is here” warning call to the neighbors.

Really, these “trials” are just for our internal chuckles. There is no question that we are a very good match, no question that this will all work out wonderfully, and absolutely no question that spending the rest of our lives together in Georgia is the exact right thing to do.

But there better be a good pizza joint nearby ….. and it can't be a Domino's, either

Bringing The Family Along

I just spent an extended weekend with my girlfriend (yes, I’m using the “girlfriend” thing regularly now) at her home down south, sort of a quasi-trial run (trial run 1 of a potential 3) (maybe trial run 1 of a potential 4) (or possibly trial run 1 of a potential 2 … things went very well …) to see how we would actually get along if we were living together. There was never a big doubt that all would be good, but, hey, as we all know, the bouncing ball of widow-dom can go just about anywhere.

So we spent an extended weekend living her life, doing what she would do on any normal Friday-to- Tuesday span. That included visiting her ailing parents a couple of times, going to see the grandkids playing baseball and other organized activities, a fascinating trip to the local food store (something that garnered quite a few chuckles since apparently southerners only refer to them as “grocery” stores and not the Jersey default “food” store), a dinner out at a local, very freshly made, restaurant (really excellent!!), cooking at home several times, going to a party for a work friend, doing laundry … in other words, living her life.

  

                           Jersey - Food?                                      Georgia - Food?

We found out some stuff about each other that we hadn’t known:

• Finding the clutch release point in 1^st gear on her car was a bit of a challenge (I’m fairly sure I’ll be replacing her transmission at some point in the future)
•  She gets a bit too much joy in listening to my New Jersey variations-on-a-theme, particularly as it pertains to pronunciation (although even down south the sign says “Publix – Food – Pharmacy”, not “Publix – Groceries – Pharmacy”). I, on the other hand, was a perfect gentleman with her combined So Cal/Georgia utterances – but she’s really attractive and even though I’m from Jersey I’m not “stoopid” (note the Jersey-ized twist?) enough to blow that opportunity for the sake of pronunciation
• We have far more in common than we had ever thought, including a passing interest in quantum physics and other sort-of odd categories (repairing old clocks, getting up while it’s still quite dark outside, eclectic home décor and much more) that don’t randomly crop up until you spend some concentrated time together
• We’re both pretty deliberate with larger financial expenditures, really weighing pros/cons
• We both laugh, a lot, over things others likely wouldn’t find amusing. We also both laugh, a lot, at our own shortcomings

And we also have no intention of leaving our lost spouses behind as this new relationship solidifies. Both of us had relationships that we cherished, and I’ve written in the past how both of us had similar experiences along the way to becoming widowed. We had previously discussed, many times, how we intended to “bring” our departed spouses to this new coupling and over these past several days of “Getting to Know All About You” (borrowing a phrase from Julie Andrews in The King & I) we spent some time discussing that integration.

For us, as newly widowed people, moving into a new relationship is entering unchartered territory. So we’re being careful to let each other know what is important and what is not (“food store” vs “grocery store” is NOT important!), and being sure that our deceased partners stay with us is way up high on both of our lists. We also both carry the horrible stigma of having lost a son before they were 30, and our boys are also coming with us as we kick-start our new life together.

So, yup, we’re bringing the family along with us. We’ve set some boundaries that we both easily agreed upon, and we’re letting some stuff go and keeping some other stuff. Luckily, neither of us is the jealous type, so having a picture as a constant reminder is not oppressive for either of us and routine re-telling of memories (both great and sometimes not-so-great) can be shared without a problem. We’ve decided that there are some areas where it will just be us and not the rest of the family and we both know that might take some adjustment but we’re vowing to work it out.

We can’t take relationships like we had and just cast them aside, but we also can’t let them hold us back from pushing on with a new and lovely life together. We realize we’re blessed to have found each other and that we are so compatible in all of these ways.

And, really, doesn’t “food store” make so much more sense?? Or is that just my Jersey leaking out again?

Closure & Journey

I have had some really interesting conversations recently regarding the words “closure” and “journey”, so regularly used when discussing the state of my widowed positions. I’ve used those exact words myself many times, casually flipped out there like a business card to anyone who is interested. Just for the sake of conversation, I looked up the Merriam-Webster official descriptions of these two heavily over-used nouns:

Closure: a feeling that a bad experience (such as a divorce or the death of a family member) has ended and that you can start to live again in a calm and normal way

So, umm, let me think for a moment … my wife died after we were together for 35 years (yup, a bad experience, her dying that is, not the 35 years), so while her being next to me ended, my memories and her impacts on me will never end. I haven’t stopped living, in spite of Bunny being gone, and living in a calm and normal way? Truthfully, I have no idea what the hell that means.

Calm and normal was when she was alive and healthy. Calm and normal would be me coming home from work to find her sitting in her studio working on one of the designs, a dog on her lap, the TV blaring, with her talking on the phone to who-the-heck-knows and then me getting shoo’d away when I kissed her on the top of the head because I was interrupting this delicate balance of work, yakking and the nightly news. After 35 years, that was calm and normal. So I can’t go back to calm and normal, no how, no way.

Now, just about two years from the start of the really significant decline in Bunny’s health, when the whole world went to crap, I can say that I’m calm. Or, calmer than I was when she was in trouble and fading. But it’s not a calm in the way that it’s suggested in that casually flipped out phrase. It’s entirely different.

And normal? There will never be the normal that I knew for well over half of my life. That ship has sailed away and will not return. Normal now is a completely different set of parameters than it was in the past, not necessarily better or worse, but most definitely different.

So, do I have closure? Nope, not by that definition …

Journey: an act or instance of traveling from one place to another

Bunny’s death wasn’t any type of journey. It was getting full body slammed by the entire defensive line of the NY Giants for the 4^th time, directed by her nemesis, cancer. There was no trip, no longer any forward progress, just a huge F-U by a seriously pissed off group of cancer cells that were sick and tired of her beating them down. Her “journey” stopped with the proclamation “stage 4 metastatic cancer”. Stopped dead in its tracks.

My journey? I guess when actually thinking about it, I’ve always assumed a journey implied something with a bit more positive ending than “I’m sorry for your loss”. How about the word “detour?” Now that might bear some fruit, because I’ve rarely taken a detour that wasn’t shitty in some way or the other. It always slowed me down, made me late, pissed me off and generally was not a positive thing.

All of that being said, I think I’m giving “closure” and “journey” the old heave-ho from my daily lexicon. While I generally try to look at a poor circumstance and seek a way to not get stuck in the quagmire of whatever the bad stuff might be, I’m very sure that there will never be any closure for me with my wife dying. Period. I’ll learn to live with it but it is not closure in any way.

Bunny’s journey instantly imploded, stopped right in its tracks. I’ll continue to live, moving forward and living out my life. But it’s not a journey; it’s a whole brand new trip. I’m lucky to be able to have found another partner to travel with as we explore completely new things. She, too, had a journey come to a screeching halt … “sorry Miss, it’s the end of the line, the journey is over” and will have no closure, either. But together we can go in a whole new direction and we’re taking our departed spouses with us every step of the way, grateful for the many years we had and equally grateful for the new opportunities that await us.

For me, getting bogged down in platitudes like closure and journey do a significant disservice to both the wonderful 35 years I had with Bunny and to the possibilities that await me as I start my next chapter. I’m finding that thinking of my existence as a series of chapters in an on-going life more accurately describes how I view the world and aids in my ability to get past the bad stuff and keep on living. I can look for closure or I can go on to the next chapter, where the next part of my life is awaiting me. So I’m turning the page, excited to see what is in this next chapter, but remembering every detail of the story line that I’ve already read.